TGIF??

Ahhh, the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, it's Friday! The weekend has arrived. Plans are being looked forward to, nails are getting done, touch-ups on frosted hair are being applied as I type this. It would seem that everyone is looking forward to something this weekend. Me? I have a party to go to tomorrow. A little soirée at my friend's house that is guaranteed to be full of laughs, alcohol, food, alcohol, shenanigans, and yes, more alcohol. And I'm looking forward to it, right?

Wrong.

Most of my friends know me as the 'action' of the party. I walk into a room and people immediately start laughing because they know I'm about to drop some kind of joke or anecdote that will really set things off. They see me and say, 'now the party is gonna begin'. What am I saying? To myself?

I don't wanna be here, I don't wanna be here, I don't wanna be here.

As a matter of fact, I want to RUN right out of there. See, what these people don't know is that I've been obsessing over this party since I knew about it maybe as far back as 2 weeks prior. I'm obsessing over who is going to be there, what I will wear, will there be people there that I don't know. They don't know that on my way there, my hands were gripped on the steering wheel to the point where my fingerprints were impressed on the leather. They don't know that I parked the car and sat there for about 10 minutes debating whether or not I could get away with a sudden illness or even a faked car accident.

What people who don't have Anxiety Disorder realize is how this disease affects even the simplest, seemingly most benign of activities. You would think that a party would mean that there is going to be fun and nothing bad to happen. It doesn't work that way. For whatever reason, no matter how much I have debated this topic with my therapist, Situational Anxiety whether it's a happy situation or bad situation will cause you to doubt every step you take.
For people without anxiety a little nerves at the unknown are normal. For people like me, they take over EVERYTHING. There always has to be an escape in order to feel safe.

There was a time where I wouldn't even have entertained the thought of even accepting the invitation. I hated this about me. I hated missing out on things because I was afraid. I hated to listen to my friends replay the events of the evening that I missed. I missed them. I missed ME.

So, in an effort not to miss anything again ,within reason, I have come up with a deal for myself where it relates to social gatherings. I make sure that there is going to be at least 2 people there that I know for the familiarity factor. I give myself a window of comfort time. I assess if it's reasonable to be there 2 hours, 1 hour, including the time it takes for me to get there. With these things in place, I am able to rationally decide on what social events I will attend and work with myself not to punish myself for not making it this time, or even better treat myself a little for making the effort.

A little understanding goes a long way. Understanding of your anxiety and it's root, understanding of your boundaries, and most importantly, understanding of yourself as still a good fun person who can be the life of the party....in doses.

Have a great weekend.